uncertain

18 Jun

I am in deep pain right now… pain that is so hard to bear… it feels like there are thousand needles pricking fiercely in every part of my heart. The pain is too unbearable. I told myself that i must keep crying so it would at least lessen the pain, and somehow it does. I need to keep crying so i could clear my blurred mind and look forward for a brighter tomorrow.

This pain i am into right now is being much painful, much harder than i have imagined. It clogs my breath and it keep my tear glands pouring a lot of tears, making my sight cloudy and my bones into jelly.

For now, i wanted to be alone. Just be with myself first. Reminisce every memory I have shared with him, keep feeling the pain until i can accept the reality that all those happenings will just become memories and be part of my very happy past.

I must admit that i am not certain where to start all over again. Moving on is such a hard thing, an impossibe thing, especially when everything around seem to keep reminding me of him. I already have cried rivers of tears yet the pain still lingers. It seems that i already want to believe that being inlove is being stupid because you get to keep longing for that someone even if he have inflicted the most painful wound in every inch of your heart.

As of now, while my mind is still a little bit clear, i told myself that i don’t ever want to fill my heart with regrets nor hatred for him for i have bet on this game. The only sad thing is that everytime i give my all on this bet, i keep losing but still i keep on taking more chances, indulging my self with big hopes that somehow i’ll get to win. But then again, this time, i ended up a loser still.

I was so proud then, boasting about our lasting relationship to every people i know. i was so proud each time this people say they are envious of me and to our relationship. Most of them even say that i am so lucky for having such a good guy. He is a good guy indeed, though. And it hurts again everytime i hear “Ingatan mo lovelife mo dahil iilan lang ang nakakalagpas ng ganyan. Treasure it.” Indeed, it was a very inspiring message, again, i was so proud to say, “of course!”

But you know what’s the saddest part? It is when you thought you can already start moving on when all of a sudden, the pain comes rushing in again. I always try to kill myself of being so busy in the school, getting in every busy activity i could get, trying to forget, trying to ignore the pain yet when i get home, the same pain lingers everywhere and it hurts more than i could handle. It even hurts more when i wanted to cry out the pain yet my eyes seem to be exhausted of pouring more tears. I wanted to shout but all i can do is just sit in silence and lock myself into deep pain once again and drift with the memories of him with me.

Perhaps, moving on is so hard to start since I can’t loose myself from the past. I must admit that i already have built all my dreams around him. In every success i get, he was always a part of it and in every dream i make, he is always there…

Now, reality is paistakingly crushing my being naive—real tears, real pain, real wounds and real gone… I wanted to stop crying, focus on what’s ahead but the pain is still so fresh that it eats up my focus, kept staring on blank images, my mind to nowhere… God, please help me.

I really want to get over this now. I want to forget the pain and start all over again. Please show me where to start again. Please give me more courage to keep my head above water. Please… I need to cry. I need to get out of the box i was used to for more than five years. I need to gather myself once again. Pick up every single minute piece and i know that someday, somehow, i’ll be all right again and bring back the “Joahna” who was always happy and smiling… somehow, i’ll get over this…somehow…

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One Response to “uncertain”

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  1. My heart will keep beating « sipping coffee. . . - November 20, 2011

    […] efforts though, there were times when I find myself keep blathering uncontrollably back to the culprits of my broken heart. Sometimes, too, painful realizations would parade through my very eyes that I […]

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