what it takes to be in love. . .

27 Nov

Five months have swiftly passed since the day I thought I won’t ever get up anymore, the day when my heart was shattered to minute pieces. That day, I have despised myself for giving too much, for loving so much and for expecting too much because when all these were blown away by the ruthless wind, it left me with too much pain; pain that feels like thousands of needles pricking each split second in every inch of my heart. I cried the more, my lips speechless. That time, all I wanted to do is lock up myself from the world around me, be alone with my misery and even wished not to ever wake up again. I was broken. It was painful.

After barely five months, here I am again, in the same half-lit room, where I used to lock myself, drifting myself back to the memories I had with him. I have to admit that the pain still lingers but somehow the pain is no longer as painful as it was. Six years ago, a certain man has made my heart a captive of his. When I first felt how I really liked him, I can seldom sleep without him in my thoughts. Everyday I worry how and what I am gonna look like when I see him again the following day. Sleepless nights were infinite because he filled my thoughts and along with these are hopes and prayers to be his girl someday. Months passed and my prayers seemed to receive answers so fast.

October 24, 2003, the date I won’t ever forget. We were in a certain room, throwing each other silly jokes. We were laughing so hard, both of us conscious of something engulfing the room. Then, he reached for my hand and asked me if I want him to be my boy. Of course, that moment was my dream come true and in a split second, I said “yes!” The story went on. For five years and eight months, my dream has been into reality. My happiness is unexplainable and I know having him with me, whatever the odds are, I couldn’t ask for more. Indeed, it was like a fairy tale that I used to keep reading when I was still a little child.

I was really happy. But as most people say, happy endings only happen in fairy tales. I have to admit, they were right.

As I drag my self back to reality, it made me think what it really takes to be in love. Three months ago, I have drafted a letter for him saying that I need to stay away from him so the pain would ease somehow. But three months ago, I was still so weak that I did not have a bit of courage to hand him the letter I made, instead, I still believed that everything’s going to be all right and that I could still win him back, or shall I put it this way, I am going to win him back.

Many people (our friends) would put the blame on him and would say that he has not grown up yet when it comes to love because he chose to break my heart after all the years we had. At first, I believed on this. But as try to tailor things up, we were wrong. When he asked for his freedom, that was the time he really have grown up in love because he has finally able to know what he have to do to find himself, even it took him to break my heart. Yes, he chose to break my heart but atleast he won’t keep on breaking it anymore. The pain was enormous but perhaps it is the only way that we both give ourselves larger space to grow up more.

Perhaps what it really takes to be in love is accepting the fact that some people are not always meant to be. Real love is not based on how much time you spent with each other nor how many memories you shared. Time is not always the most significant variable for two people to say that they will stay forever. I guess what matters most is how much you have known each other and accepting each other’s bests and worsts. It’s not the years that would define two people how much they have grown up. I guess t is the acceptance that both of you would grow up more if you let each other to be free when time calls that you have to be in separate ways. I have loved so much and I have hurt really badly. But this is what it takes to be in love, you hurt to realize you have really been in love. And now, as these tears roll down my cheeks again, I know these are tears signifying that I am already on the verge of finally letting go and accepting that someone is happier with someone else, not with me. I know the wounds in my heart are not yet mending but atleast it doesn’t hurt so much anymore.

Perhaps what it takes to be in love is setting him free and allowing each other to really grow up. I might not know much about being mature in love but one thing for sure; loving has made significant changes in me and realized that no matter how painful love could bring, loving is still the best feeling I had.

Love takes time to heal when you’re hurting so much. It might take me bloody years me to get over the pain but I know I won’t ever regret that I have loved and have given so much. But this time, I’m gonna love myself more…//

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