It sucks being single

28 Jan

It sucks being single. . . sometimes.

I hate the fact that while someone else’s heart is breaking, someone else is enjoying breaking hearts, too.

Unfortunately, I’m one of those “hearts are breaking” because I am single.

I don’t intend to broadcast to the whole damn world that I am single because it is not something worth bragging for. Not me. And to be honest, I feel terribly bad about it.

The fact that I don’t have someone to hold hands with while walking down the avenues or when exiting malls and movie houses make me churn in my stomach. Being single made me feel like I am alone in this wide, wild world. I don’t have someone who tells me that he misses me every single minute of every day; no one to curl up with on the sofa while giggling endlessly; no one to cuddle when you feel like having one; no one to open the coke’s bottle cap because you hardly can (or pretend not to); no one to tell you he loves you more than anything else in the world; no one to kiss you good night and good morning; and no one to talk with about your dream house, cars and how your wedding will go. No one.

As I scribble down the feelings of loss, because I am single (like I really have to keep reiterating this fact), I can’t help but shed another pail of tears looking back to how and why my relationship with him (and all the others) turned the way I least expected. And the burning sensation in my chest is creeping in up to my throat that I can hardly breathe.

Walking home alone for several months now, I felt that half of me was missing, that I am somehow incomplete without a man. My pathetic feelings are being heightened when I see couples sitting on the benches or walking holding hands, their faces animated as if they are the luckiest and happiest couples on Earth. People are on the go, people moving forward in life. As I stare at them (sometimes intentionally), I was filled with envy and wondered whether I would ever be able to look as animated as they are ever again.

I remember that I even stalked on my exes’ FB accounts to check on their status. I wanted to know if they are still going good with his new girl or if they have broke up already (and everyone knows how much I wanted for their relationship to crash!). I checked his status almost every day. And when I see their photos together, utterly sweet, looking so much in-love, I kept feeling that familiar burning-in-the-chest feeling. With all the courage I can fetch, I blocked him as my friend both in FB and FS because I realized I am just hurting myself more. It wasn’t easy, but I did it and eventually I am feeling great.

Curious if I am the only one feeling oddly empty, I asked some of my friends how and what they feel about being single and here are their responses:

C– I’m happy but most of the time I miss him and the idea of having no boyfriend makes me feel like I am so much at loss.

K– Well it’s pretty much fun especially when you are with your friends because you can freely do whatever you want. No one to stalk you around. But sometimes, when I am alone I suddenly keep feeling how much I miss being held in his hands and how much I miss sharing weekends with him.

B- I was able to go out almost every night with friends without the worry of being asked where and what I did. But sometimes, I also miss being interrogated like she cared for me so much that she wanted me to keep on her sight.

Have you noticed a pattern on their answers? Being single is happy but… The “but” word is always there.

I, myself, am happy being single but at times I felt raged about it. It is human nature, I guess, that we long for someone to be always around when things are not in its place, that we always need company.

However, being single also means freedom. While being single deprived me from having someone to cuddle with or kiss or hold hands with, for me, it gave me the very chance to renew my relationship with the people whom I have forgotten (unintentionally) when I am in a relationship. I have strengthened my faith in God as well. And these, I believe, are far more important than focusing all your time and love to someone who will just bring you nightmares in the end. The most important thing that innately happens is that I learned (and still learning) to love myself utmost. And the feeling is extremely rewarding and overwhelming.

Singlehood might mean emptiness and loneliness but if we take it the other way around, it will mean freedom and contentment. I have to focus on the future, not the past, because that’s the only part that’s still up for grabs. He left me? Then I have to keep working and moving on or I’ll end up crazy.

I admit I miss having a man in my life but it doesn’t mean I can’t live without a man. I vowed that this time, I will learn to love myself more. This is because I want to be much more ready when I enter another relationship. Despite the brave act that I am putting on to this blog, I have to admit that I am still scared. But admitting that you are scared will also mean to be your very shield when you go out for a battle once more.

Like what Nicholas Sparks said in one of his novels, life is not fair. And that’s just it. But more than that, I learned that it’s possible to go on, no matter how impossible it seems, and that in time, the grief… lessens. It might never go away completely, but after a while it’s not overwhelming.

My journey to loving myself more is not an easy road. It’s taking me a lot of courage, adjustments, beliefs, and confidence to push me to being a woman who will always be confident about herself. I long for a relationship that won’t entail me to shortchange myself just to fill his cup of expectations, and I deserve to have one.

Love should bring joy, it should grant a person peace, but here and now, it was bringing only pain. So I need to learn how to be confident about myself. I need to learn how to feel complete even without him, that I can walk outside with chin up saying “I am single but I am happy.” And maybe pause for a while and say, “Next please!”

So to all the single ladies out there, I raise a glass for a toast—for freedom and bliss and gloom. We deserve only the best of the bests. Cheers!

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One Response to “It sucks being single”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. There goes the change again « sipping coffee. . . - November 4, 2011

    […] didn’t notice they are already heading to that way while I am still enjoying the life of a single […]

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