Pestering “what ifs”

30 Jan

It’s a daily struggle to reinvent myself. From my previous notes, I talked about letting go and learning to love myself more alongside gaining self-confidence and feeling totally complete even without the company of a man. But as I tread along, I am being plagued with questions and doubts that seem never to give up on pestering my mind.

As I write this article, I am not even sure which thing I really want to talk about. Lately, I have been having a lot of things to put in black and white or upload in my blog. And because there were too many thoughts that keep going past my mind, I end up writing nothing at all.

This, I realized, is because I have been struggling with all the “what if” monsters that I am uncertain of answers or questions with answers I actually am scared to acknowledge.

Whether I am in a relationship or still dating, I am unconsciously inundated with infinite “what ifs” that either keep me shortchanging myself or totally stay away from.

During my past relationships, the common questions that always plagued me were:

“What if we won’t last for long?”

“What if he will get tired of me?”

“What if he will be disappointed about me because I talk a lot and I laugh so loud?”

“What if his ‘first love’ shows up and confess she also loves him too and eventually will choose her over me or over the years/months we spent together?”

“What if I am never good enough for him?”

On the other hand, when I am dating or knowing someone who shows interest to me, I also have a bunch of “what ifs” in no way I can help but get scared the more.

“What if I wasn’t able to impress him during our first date? Would he call or text me again?”

“What if he’ll just be ‘another guy’ who’ll break my heart in the end, too?”

“What if he will see me as ‘just another girl’ and won’t give me the respect and love I deserve?”

“What if he only wants a kiss and no more than that?”

And another long line of “what ifs”. . .

Pestered by these ‘what iffing’, I usually end up shortchanging myself. Every time, I become less and less confident about myself. Along the way, I’m losing the essence of what being in a relationship should be. Have I ever known it anyway?

On a date or when I am with someone, I should feel carefree and just be myself—no deliberate plans to impress him, no trying hard for a seductive-induced haze, no conscious minutes about my lipstick being smudged or my make-up being worn off, and no hidden meanings in every word that I spoke of. Nor should I be obliged to wear sexy, revealing clothes just to feed his wandering eyes.

I realized that my past relationships have never been healthy at all. Sure I was able to stand a six-year relationship. But have I grown matured in love in the course of that relationship? I’m quite not sure. From this, I learned that love is not based on how much time you have spent with each other. It is not measured on how many ‘sweet kisses’, dates and laughter you both shared. Nor it can be gauged on how many times you kissed and made up. If that’s the case, then why is it that this kind of relationship keeps crashing? Most of all, love should not require one to change him/herself to the extent of losing the way you were or much so, losing your self-confidence.

Love, I have come to understand, is more than three words that are being mused to each other every now and then. Love is something you don’t have to beg for. Love should mean growing up in each other’s arms and not growing old with all the pains inflicted along. Love should not confuse you from saying ‘I love you’ before bedtime to saying ‘I love you’ sustained by a pattern of devotion. Love is a very special thing to be shared with someone who can be a reflection of exactly who you are.

My experiences in the past have brought me dreadful memories. Sure it brought me a momentary wake of happiness and bliss but why is it that I always end up being hurt?

This journey of learning to love myself more is bringing so many realizations in my life and a few universal truths. I learned, for instance, that hugs, kisses and ‘I love yous’ are not a passport to a lasting relationship or at least to a not painful ending.

People come and go in our life and it’s a natural thing. The least we can do is to be always ready when the time of departure comes. And we can only be ready to this episode if we learn how to love ourselves utmost.

We entered this life alone and we exit life alone, too.

I know that when I equip myself with confidence, I can go through life no matter what. Whatever happens to my next love story, I’ll be damn sure I will be ready to embrace it. And when that dashing gentleman comes along to swoop in and steal my heart away, even if the “what if” monsters come with their wide, scary faces, I know I’ll be just fine.



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