I do give a damn

30 Mar

Yesterday was the first time in almost two months that I went home at exactly 5pm from office. Usually, I went home after mercy hours and even stay up to the wee hours in the morning in the office. My body ached for a long rest and breath of fresh air. I watched my desk clock as it silently ticked around the numbers. I was engrossed in the moment of silence with the ‘eargasmic’ ticking off the clock. I leaned on the wall and in a split second, I felt icy drops relentlessly pouring down my cheeks.

I didn’t know how my tears just came out until I realized, I was doomed by the fast pacing turn of events in my life. As I lay on my bed, I felt the familiar rush of memory and regret. In almost half a year, I let the memories overtake me once again and wandered to the ‘what-have-beens’.

I know I am happy where I am now. My current profession is what my heart sings. The activities I do for my organizations are what my heart beats. I am already happy but somewhere in between, I feel that somewhat something is missing. Things have been moving so swiftly that unconsciously I got caught in the middle of too many questions I barely can grasp for any answer. Until it dawned on me one painful fact—the men in my life has been like this, they come but leave as prompt as they came. But what is more painful to this is that they left a scar that reminds how I have been once in the arms of the wrong men who brought only pains and uncertainties.

As I write this, friends or people who have been reading my blogs, might wonder (or even judge) on my sentiments about my relationships with men. But I am just a human being like everyone else who, at some point, feels dumbfounded about the things going past her life. I talk about relationships as my way of self-reflection with the hope of learning from it and create thicker walls of my heart as my armor from whatever pains that may come again.

For several months, my single status has been very exciting. I go through my daily activities without anyone stalking me or dragging me to whom I should and should not to be with. I owned my time. I go to anywhere I wish to. In a nutshell, I decide for myself without any repercussion that someone might stop me from the things I want and need to do.

I’d be a damn liar if I say that there has been no single man who walked by me and asked for dates for the time being. In fact, some has been very persistent but all of them I turned down or asked to give me my “own space”. It is not that I am deathly afraid of commitment after all the dreadful experiences I’ve been through. It is simply because I wanted more time for myself and for the people who much more deserve my time and attention. I love the serenity I feel inside when I am alone. The animation I feel when I am with friends. The enthralling joy and laughter I share with family. The thumping excitement when I freely do things such as conducting activities for my organizations, bowling, ballroom dancing, extreme sports, and every single thing I wish to do.

I admit I sometimes feel alone when I think about the men who once became part of my every hour. But the freedom and contentment I feel now that I put myself as my premium priority is far more pleasing.

My single status won’t, and never will, define my happiness and being. The men of my past will remain a part of my past and contributory pieces of my life’s puzzle.

I am not closing my heart to any possibilities that may come my way. If ever that certain man will come and make my heart a captive of his, I hope that all the courage, strength, and self-confidence I have been trying to build will be enough to keep my head above waters. And I hope that man, Mr. Possibility, will be someone whom I can freely be myself with. I don’t intend to be picky. I just do give a damn.




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