Hot and cold: Mr. Insensitive

18 Apr

I find my sweet escape through the blogs I write. Each time I get my fingers tap the letters on my computer’s keyboard incessantly, I can freely express what I feel inside. Most of the time, I write to scribble the words that I feel, may it be joy, excitement, sadness, pain or angst. And when I write, I literally feel all the happiness being poured into every word I write. When I am in pain, my frustrations freely go like a waterfall. Yes, I find my very refuge in writing.

But then, lately, I wasn’t able to write. I am not sure if it was because of exhaustions or what but each time I try to start writing, I get blanked. There I go again, my most hated fear—the blank page. I thought my writing is my only refuge, the only thing invincible to me whenever things go weary but it seems to be not anymore.

This personal phenomenon reminds me of all the Mr. Insensitive I met. They were like my writing—they leave me the very moment I needed them most.

Mr. Insensitive 1

When I was in complete agony with Mr. Charmer’s ploy, I met Mr. Insensitive 1. Though I didn’t really like him, he is this type who will always give you a big laugh which eventually makes you laugh out all your cries instead. He was totally funny.

One night, I asked my girl friends to have a round of gin tonic and beers. I was so desperate at that time. I wanted to drink all away the shits Mr. Charmer was inflicting me at the moment. I asked for an all-girl drinking session. When we were at the midst of our session, tipsy, and already sobbing in between telling stories over and over about I and Mr. Charmer, a friend of my girl friends came in.

Based on C, he was also at his “lonesome” moment and seeking for heart doctors. To cut the story short, I was already completely under the spell of alcohol’s spirit, and Mr. Insensitive 1 was all this very persistent saying he’ll prove me that not all men are one in the same. And so the talking and bragging went on.

For several days, he kept on coming back to my place. He always made me laugh and broke jokes that kept rewinding in my thoughts and painted smile on my face every time I remembered it. As time went by, my heart was gradually letting him in. But the fact remained that he has a girlfriend. And though I already wanted to accept him, I know it is not right.

If I have totally let him get in my heart, in my life, then I was only replaying the pains I am already into. Worst is, the same pain from another man. With the final decision lying on my hands, I shut him off and asked him (politely) that he has to stay away from me while I still have some sanity left.

Mr. Insensitive 2

I know I have been a complete fool when I was with Mr. Charmer. What he did to me had completely, insanely made me out of my mind. I lost my sense of reasoning. After Mr. Insensitive 1, I have let another man enter my life during the time being.

Mr. Insensitive 2 and I have been acquaintances since high school. I can still remember having crush on him because he has deep, lovely dimples on his both cheeks, and his smile was a killer!

And like I was saying, we were already exchanging text messages and calls the moment we met again eight years after. He still had a girlfriend then while Mr. Charmer and I were still on dating stage. For all the reasons I can’t seem to grasp, we stayed connected even when Mr. Charmer and I were already living together. Blame it to cell phones!

During the months that I have been in complete distress, he came like a knight in shining armor and made me feel that everything’s going to be all right. His caress made me forget the pains and cheatings from Mr. Charmer. His kisses assured me that I can find and have someone else better, and by that he meant that that man was him. I tried to ignore that obvious sign though.

Just like Mr. Insensitive 1, I have let him come over to my place and spent one exciting Christmas night together. That time, he said he no longer have a girlfriend. The following morning, we even went out and had a wistful stroll under the giant mango trees. We had something special. I knew I felt it right through when he held my hands and touched my cheek. A hope flickered and butterflies wandered through my stomach, believing something meaningful and exciting is what our “thing” going to.

But again, I was deadly wrong.

Just after he left my place, I never heard from him anymore. Worst is, a week after, he texted me saying that I should not send text messages to his number anymore since his girlfriend will be the one to use it already. I felt as if the earth and the universe cave in on me. A sharp bullet landed at the very core of my heart.

Truth be told, these men used my vulnerability against me. I was in complete saddle times and all I needed was a company. And I thought I’ll find the shelter and comfort from them but they only gave me the opposite. I have been trying to recollect what has happened during those times. I did like them. And I did want them to be a part of my life. And they, too, promised that they wanted the same. But right after I believed on their sweet tongue, they left me like nothing happened.

For almost a year now, I tried to mend all the throbbing pains that Mr. Charmer and these two men gave to me. The pain was a like an all-in-one deadly bullet which pierced through me, causing my heart to bleed incessantly and shattering my hopes for a beautiful love story away.

I have been hurt very badly. I have been through several difficult months to keep myself sail back to sanity and bring back the pieces of my broken heart. But things have to keep moving forward as it is the only right option left. Though they are still persisting to come back, I can’t accept them anymore. The cut in my heart was too deep to be incised again. Everyone has a red line. And when that line is crossed, even the nicest girl opens her eyes and stares the hard truth in the face. After that it’s always a matter of learning from the past and looking forward to the future.

Yesterday was the first time in year that I suddenly felt how the little things around me came to life. The chirping of birds sounded like an angelic melody to my ears. The rustling of leaves reminded me of the nature-scented air I deserve to breathe in. It had been a gloomy day. And now the late afternoon sunlight was breaking through the clouds. In the cold breeze, I saw the first signs of nature coming back to life. The trees outside were budding, the leaves waiting for just the right moment to uncoil and open themselves to yet another summer season. After the miseries I’ve been through for letting myself fall in love over and over again, from the wrong men, I am now feeling the peace I’ve been aiming to engulf me.

I have been wronged and hurt by these men but I know that they came and went to make me realize one important thing—while some relationships are not meant to last, our hearts are built to endure pain.

I have been terribly wronged, but it doesn’t mean that I am closing myself to other possibilities of love story that may come my way. This time, however, I refuse to settle for anything less. I wish that when that one man comes in and steal my heart away, he could be that man who would give me goose bumps every time. That man who can make butterflies bounce back up and down my stomach. That man who can make me literally feel my heart beat and make the time stop as he kiss me. And that man who can assure me that no matter how painful love can bring, at the end of the day, love will always remain the sweetest.

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2 Responses to “Hot and cold: Mr. Insensitive”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. My heart will keep beating « sipping coffee. . . - November 20, 2011

    […] would parade through my very eyes that I have been wronged again by another man who seems to be not any different from the other men I’ve been trying to avoid. And these realizations would only come once my […]

  2. I could be right, too « sipping coffee. . . - January 11, 2012

    […] was right about J whom I referred here as “Mr. Insensitive 1” when she gave me that sharp eye saying he is just one of those men who’ll come and go, […]

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