Finding the love in me

13 May

Every time I recount my past relationships, I find myself looking back to a usual pattern among them all—I lose my mind, my self-control, and I become completely irrational. And so I have decided to take the journey of loving myself utmost with the hope of countering this seemingly inevitable trend I have.

I have been asking myself lately why I always seem to end up being the one who suffer most in every aftermath of my relationships. Sometimes, I’d even wish that heartbreak could go past easily as a hangover from booze—you drink it all up the whole night, almost choke to drunkenness, have a breath grasping moment for several minutes, feel like the whole world is turning and churning, pass away on the bed, wake up with a heavy, groggy head and after a couple of hours, you are as good as new again. But heartbreaks aren’t like that. They are much more of a drug (though I really haven’t had one yet nor want to try it), you know it’s addictive and vicious yet you keep craving for it that even a hard hit on the head won’t let you give it up.

When I promised to myself that I won’t ever let my heart get shattered into minute pieces again and that I must learn to love myself more, I mean it. But as I tread along, I realized it wasn’t as easy as I thought. Sure I was able to somehow control my emotions whenever a man comes in, ask for a date and proposes to be my boyfriend. I used to ignore the red flags in instances like these but I suddenly became conscious of it, allowing me to think twice before saying “yes” or “no”. Good start, isn’t it? But at the course of it, I still feel that familiar breach of pain creeping through me. Or was it a . . . fear?

Yes. I have to admit that I am still scared to enter another serious relationship. I am pretty sure that I am already over all the pains and heartaches from my past relationships. I have unleashed all the angers that were buried at the core of my heart. In fact, I pretty get along well with my exes. We still even send friendly messages up to now. So how on Earth am I still scared to engage in another relationship? I didn’t understand until it dawned on me that the person whom I haven’t gotten over with yet is myself.

While I couldn’t remember the last time I woke up with a pounding pain in my chest or a pillow soaked with my tears, I also couldn’t remember the last time I have appreciated the little things around me. I have been to a lot of beautiful places lately. I have been diving into a pile of works that made me busier than ever. But no matter how wonderful and exciting the things going past me, I can’t seem to let them sink in my system nor seize the moments of those bliss. I realized there is something missing all along.

And no matter how painful (and silly) it may sound, that missing thing is the person I always see whenever I look in the mirror.

This journey of loving myself more is not really easy. There are times when I even questioned myself, “Is it really possible?” “Will I ever be able to have a total control over my emotions if I dive into a relationship again?” I don’t know. But as the old cliché goes, “take one step at a time”.

If I won’t be able to complete this journey all by myself, I hope that there could be someone who would take this journey with me and let me feel the ultimate happiness of having the love in me I am yearning for. And I hope that that someone exists.


One Response to “Finding the love in me”


  1. My heart will keep beating « sipping coffee. . . - November 20, 2011

    […] happened for the past several months that I struggled toward learning my self-worth and eventually love myself foremost. I struggled to learn the art of letting go and of moving on. I tried to focus on things that I deem […]

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