It could have been

24 May

It could have been a great love story but it ended up just the way how it started: unclear.

He came over, equipped himself with sweet tongues and intoxicating charm with the very goal to swoon me under his spell. I quietly raced outside my comfort zone to meet him on the crossroad with the hope of rekindling the light in my heart which was once taken away by a ruthless wind. And just when I was ready to open my door for another possibility, I was confronted with so many persistent red flags but failed to stop me right there and then.

No. I didn’t see the red flags at all. All the way through, I have been embracing myself with cautions. At the very start, just before I let him in, I asked for pure honesty for I can’t bear another set of lies. We were doing good. We were almost there. But like I said, it’s going to be just the two of us who is going to either make it or break it. But just when I was gearing myself to make it up, he broke it.

At the sudden turn of events, I can feel that familiar burning-in-the-chest feeling again. Though it is not as painful as I had before, still, there is pain. With the breach of soreness creeping through me, I asked myself: Am I hurt because I have started to like him or only because I can’t accept the fact that things are not going to be the same again? Both ways. But I know that it also hurts me because even though we haven’t really formalized the “us”, I know that there have been “us” which I thought could go on if not until the end, at least not so sudden.

I no longer see the “us” for the tears in my eyes have kept my sight blurred. The throbbing pain in my chest has crippled my heart to understand why he had to do such thing. Again, I was hurt.

I might still forgive him for what he has done even though what he did is unforgivable. I am opening my heart for forgiveness but one thing I am sure of is that I am already closing my heart to the possibility that I thought is going to happen right at my door steps the moment his eyes met mine.

While I still keep on hurting, I know that my heart is built to endure pain. I’ve been through a lot of ordeals in trying to find the love in my significant other. This search, however, still fail to give me the person I am yearning for and the love that I deserve. But no matter how crooked the way I am traversing towards this journey, I’ll stay steadfast to my belief that the love I am finding in myself will always be far greater and more important than any other love I will find from a man. After all, like a friend said, “If you stop risking, you stop loving.”

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One Response to “It could have been”

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  1. My heart will keep beating « sipping coffee. . . - November 20, 2011

    […] Along these efforts though, there were times when I find myself keep blathering uncontrollably back to the culprits of my broken heart. Sometimes, too, painful realizations would parade through my very eyes that I have been wronged again by another man who seems to be not any different from the other men I’ve been trying to avoid. And these realizations would only come once my heart starts to bleed inexorably again. Until it feels like I am going way farther down to the lowest ebb of my life. […]

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