Let it be, oh let it be. . .

13 Sep

Last night, like three weeks ago, I had a chit-chat with a friend over a bottle of red wine to somehow de-stress from the day’s overwhelming activities.

While drinking, we talked about various things ranging from office works, our organization, my shoes soaked from rainwater, foods, and everything we came up with as the table kept on turning. But with most of chit-chats like this, talks about relationships never fail to get scrapped from the list. And so we talked about love and relationships longer than sipping the wine from our glass.

My friend, R, gleefully (and regretfully) shared his rounds of relationship experiences. When he was unearthing his past relationships, the room was engulfed with so much seriousness that even the cockroaches in my kitchen stopped from roving around and immersed with our conversation. I listened with much intention and I literally felt the pain coming from his scarred heart. He narrated one of his relationships which only lasted for four months and said that the effect it left him was so intense that he almost despised being in love.

But like a chameleon that easily camouflages, he became very animated as he related his newfound love. They are not yet officially “in a relationship” yet he’s a lot happier and contented than when he was in certain relationships. Almost everyday, they would talk for hours over the phone, inform each other’s daily activities through exchange of text messages and would only go out like once in every two or three months yet they still end up happy with their current “relationship status”.

I asked why and he said: Both of us decided to just stay as friends for now until we are both ready to commit.

Until we are both ready to commit.

These words keep echoing through my ears as I try to look back from the past months, which felt like years, that I remained loyal to my single status. And perhaps even trying to entertain the thought of sticking to it until one person comes along and break the thick walls I’ve built around myself.

My friends and officemates and even my mom (can you believe that?) always ask me why I still don’t have a boyfriend. And as silly as it may sound, they are actually pushing me to have one now. Now. Like they are afraid that I might add up to the growing world of single blessedness. I mean, seriously? What’s up with my single status?

I admit I miss having someone whom I can call my boyfriend and share endearment with like only we who can give real meaning to it. Sometimes, when I get to my apartment after a long day from work and switching the light on, I stare at my empty room and only see my bed and a rack of personal belongings. As natural as it is, icy droplets run down my cheeks and my instinct tells me to lean my head on the wall, clench my fist on my chest where my heart is so I can put hold on to it before I breakdown again.

Looking back, it’s been almost a couple of years that I haven’t entertained the idea of engaging to another relationship. It’s not that there was no single man who passed by me and offered their heart to pair with mine. Some even were those men whom I actually wanted to call my ‘boyfriend’. But with all the odds I can’t fathom, just as I was ready to say ‘yes’, my feet goes the other way around and run as fast and as far as I could. And then again, my crown as a single woman gets back to my head and ramps through the crowd carrying the title “Ms. Single”.

And people around me can’t do anything but shake their head and cross their fingers that someday I’ll get to meet this man who can swoon me over and kiss away the fear that has been blocking my heart to give in one more time.

But no matter what, I don’t think there’s a rush for me to enter into another relationship just because they tell me to do so or just so I can get in to the fad of bannering the “In a Relationship” status in my Facebook account where people all over the world, some I don’t even know, would clap their hands and jump for joy like I just won a lottery. I mean, seriously?

Whatever people say, even if my heart longs for someone to cuddle with at times I feel like cuddling or kiss good night with, my heart already knows how to wait. The tough times I’ve been through is teaching me to watch the red flags trotting down before my very eyes and fragile heart. I don’t need to plunge in into a relationship am not even sure of or even have the slightest hindsight that it’s going to be a possibility.

Because sometimes things fall perfectly after waiting.

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One Response to “Let it be, oh let it be. . .”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. My heart will keep beating « sipping coffee. . . - November 20, 2011

    […] But as inevitable as it is sometimes, I would convince myself that if I will have the patience to wait more, it will happen as it should or as I anticipate it to be. Then I go back to the same cycle of […]

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