My heart speaks loud like a bomb

29 Sep

I knew that relationships aren’t always perfect and that when you love, pain inevitably goes with it. I loved and I was loved, too. But after all those relationships I’ve been through, I felt that I was the one who is always being left in the aftermath, with only my journal to concede with and another broken heart to mend.

And so I started a journey about learning to love myself utmost, giving premium priority to myself and eventually find what really makes me happy.

When I started this journey, my every day spun around my works in the office, travelling around, having my holiday vacations in my hometown, spending time with my family, and enjoying every single tripping-around with my newfound friends. And it felt just right. It felt like things are falling into its places just as I have anticipated.

For more than a year of being with myself, having no relationships at all, I felt the peace I wanted so much to engulf me. It felt like I have finally reunited with myself.

All along, I thought of this journey as something I should be doing alone, so it would give me the needed space to figure out which things could really make me happy and contented at that. For more than a year, I did what I thought I should be doing and I felt utterly happy.

But while I am a hundred and one percent sure that I am enjoying my ‘single’ status, and that this journey has taught me to cope up from painful yesterdays with a smile and a light heart, I suddenly realized that something (or someone) is missing all along.

When I started this journey, I told myself that I shouldn’t dive into another relationship if my heart is not yet ready to plunge into another risk. But cupid always knows how to find its way to strike his arrow with his mighty bow right at the core of my heart. And the moment his arrow landed in, my heart started to race in such speed that no matter how I try to pacify it, it just gets wilder that I can no longer deny it.

It took me some time (and courage) to admit to myself that indeed my heart whispers a name that echoes in my ear just before the night falls and just as the sun starts to peep out from the window.

It wasn’t easy for me to admit to myself at first because I was surrounded with fears, fears which have been residues from painful streaks of past relationships. I’ve been nervous about taking a leap of faith into discovering what really does make me happy and what really matters most to me at this point.

I have been undecided if I should just go along and enjoy each and every moment those cute, little butterflies wander in my stomach or if I should curtail such wonderful and strong feeling instead. I battled with my heart whether to set aside the possibility of letting that person conquer my heart even if he turns my knees into jelly, even if keeps a smile painted on my face.

But maybe I should take another risk. Because even if this risk would lead me to an uncertain and bumpy end, at least I am not being selfish to myself again.

I am now being forced to make a decision, and so I have to, before all those futile regrets come with its wide, scary faces. This time, I’ll open up my long tightly-sealed box again to unleash all those fears and once again wander in the mysterious yet risky adventure of one crazy little thing called love.

Because no matter how much I still try to deny it, my heart shouts in such an earsplitting echo saying that indeed I am starting to fall in love . . . again.

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