It ain’t funny anymore

5 Oct

I am struggling with words at the moment. I am unsure how to begin this post. Nor, I realize, do I know exactly what to say. But something very powerful compels me to write, even if words in Mr. Webster seemed to unfriend me this time.

These past days have been overly toxic for me. There wasn’t a single day that I did not stay in the office until past regular working hours. Most of the time, I work late even up to the wee hours in the morning just to scrap something off my set deadlines. I became incessantly worried about my legworks. Each time I look at our production board, my mind starts to race in a fast, spinning motion causing my whole system to panic. The result, I end up super stressed out and all the more sleepless.

Much more to that, my stress hours were heightened each time I go home to my apartment because there’s no one else to talk to. Once I switch on the light, I can’t help but just lean my head on the wall and stare blankly around. Until it sucks off the remaining energy out from my system, draining my body which inevitably lets me drop off to my bed and doze off to sleep with drops of tears forming around the corners of my eyes.

Then I am suddenly awakened in the middle of the night with my heart pounding so furiously I can literally hear it. I become unrest for the next hours and only able to grab a couple of hours back to sleep when I already have to wake up and head off to my office again.

My eating habits have also become worst. I only eat during lunch time and intakes more coffee than anything else. When I feel like my heart wants to explode in exhaustion, I suppress it. When my tears are warning to flow again, I shake it off. Until it leaves me more and more frustrated.

I didn’t know what was going on with me. I used to be this overly open gal who never wants to keep something, especially about pain, to herself. But I suddenly became the opposite.

When I feel rather awful and terribly down, I resort to conceding my emotions to my journal or to this blog. But I keep losing words each time I try to uncover what really lurks inside me. I also try to pick up my phone and search for my friends’ mobile numbers so I can at least have someone to talk to. But my mind immediately rejects the idea. I do not know. I simply don’t know where to start all over again after feeling so down.

This has been the pattern of my activities for the past weeks. Each time I look in the mirror, all I see were puffy eyes and a face without gloom at all. All along, I thought I was just pressured with all the deadlines from my work. But it wasn’t only that.

I miss company. I terribly miss having someone around.

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