I am fine

19 Oct

No. That’s a lie. That is far from truth because at the moment I am feeling terribly, awfully sad. And to free me from this unsolicited feeling, I need to write it down to somehow relieve this throbbing pain creeping through up to the tiniest veins in my heart.

For more than a year or so, too many things have happened. I have been out of the country twice, travelled here and there, met so many friends, tried extreme sports, ate foods I am allergic to, drunk beers more than I can handle, and now I am living in my ideal apartment.

With all the great things happening within the number of months passed which I quite didn’t notice, I also have to recognize that this was the time I have undergone serious coping up with pains and loss incurred from my past. I have reached the moment which has been very disastrous—I once lost myself in a relationship.

Armed with a deliberate plan to gather myself up once again, I vowed to love myself more and put premium priority on things which could make me happy. I promised not to allow myself be shortchanged again whenever I fall in love with a certain man again.

Until I met this person who hailed from the other side of the world. He has rekindled the flame of hope in my heart, the hope that romance is still possible.

Since we are hundreds of lands and waters apart, the internet has become our mutual bestfriend. Almost every day, we would chat and update each other’s lives. Day by day, I came to know more about him. And every day, he keeps that flame of hope vividly lighting through.

At first, I didn’t know exactly where our ‘thing’ is going to. Admit it or not, long distance relationship is seriously hard. But like they said, if you really want something, you’ll find a way. If you don’t, you’ll find a reason.

And so, after eleven-long months, here we are, still actively chatting with each other and contented ourselves with sweet nothings through our e-mail.

Until I woke up one day feeling that hard pumping in my heart and smiling for no reason. Then I realized I have been looking forward to every single day in front of my computer to chat with him again. And it feels just right. It feels great even if I can’t literally touch him because he made all his efforts to make me feel somehow that he is beside me. At least, that’s what I thought. In fact, he has been making my days really happy, too.

Until he suddenly became invisible.

With this sudden change, I realized something’s throbbing inside me…

… heartache.

Ooops. I’m experiencing heartache again?

This put me to nagging questions: Have all my efforts to self-love not been really effective? Why am I feeling awfully down and torn with this sudden invisibility of a person who I thought is going to stay? Have I learned anything from telling myself I have to love myself more? Have I really understood my goal?

These are the rough days, I know. These are the instances where I need to look back and scan through the pages of the life I’ve been through and look forward to making new pages worth reading.

But then, I realize that this is a part of my journey to self-love. I realize, too, that having this unsolicited feeling is because he is already playing a special role in my life.

I want to cry out loud again. I want to break something. I want to shout with all my might and release the pain creeping through me right now. I want to just yell at everything hoping it would release these daunting questions in my head. I just want to cry hard and let the world know I am getting tired of what’s happening with me.

But sometimes, all I need to do is shut my mouth, close my eyes and allow those tears stream down my face, pray, sleep, and wake up again armored with a braver heart and steaming confidence that I’ll get through all of these no matter what.

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