My heart will keep beating

20 Nov

My boss, while we were in the gym for our weekly session last Thursday, said something that struck me to my bone. She said: If you really want to end your suffering, you have to understand that it’s only you and ONLY you can stop it.

Defensively, I turned to her and said: I know! It’s what I do. It’s what I always do. But when she gazed at me back, there was something in her stare saying that she didn’t believe what I just said. I know that somehow she was right.

For countless times, I have fallen deep into the trap of letting myself fall in love over and over again without getting the love I equally deserve. And for countless times, too, I found myself groping for words as I try to pen down what have happened for the past several months that I struggled toward learning my self-worth and eventually love myself foremost. I struggled to learn the art of letting go and of moving on. I tried to focus on things that I deem more rewarding in exhausting energy with. And I tried to keep telling to myself that everything is going to be all right, that it’s okay to get hurt and fall in love again eventually. I tried all these things with the best that I can.

Along these efforts though, there were times when I find myself keep blathering uncontrollably back to the culprits of my broken heart. Sometimes, too, painful realizations would parade through my very eyes that I have been wronged again by another man who seems to be not any different from the other men I’ve been trying to avoid. And these realizations would only come once my heart starts to bleed inexorably again. Until it feels like I am going way farther down to the lowest ebb of my life.

While keeping my goal of self-love clear in my head, however, I would try my very best to recognize the red flags trotting down my path as another mister inflict equal amount of pain as the others. When this happens, I would summon all the energy and strength I could to firmly tell myself I should stop right there and then. But as inevitable as it is sometimes, I would convince myself that if I will have the patience to wait more, it will happen as it should or as I anticipate it to be. Then I go back to the same cycle of expecting something that won’t actually happen.

When this moment comes, I would helplessly hope that a bolt from the sky would strike me and imbue me with the super powers I needed to let go. Because just when I thought I could already put the past behind me, events would conspire to make it impossible. And truth be told, it wasn’t easy to keep my head above waters.

The events from the past months, however, have taught me much about myself and one certain truth. That when things are not meant to happen, they really don’t. But no matter how painful it might be, it opens another door for another possibility.

Men would come in and out of my life to teach me something important, something universal. That they leave not only because their part is over but more importantly, to make me realize there are a lot more things in life than just being a part of someone else’s life. I learned that it is far more important that I become a part of myself, to be who I am, and to be able to stand on my own terms. I realized, too, that they leave because someone else deserves a place in my heart better than they are.

Today, I know that I am becoming much stronger than I used to be when it comes to falling in love. And because I’ve been learning, I know that I haven’t been more ready to fall in love again. I was wounded in the past but I would never, ever give up.

My heart will keep on beating not only because I am alive but for another good reason—and that is to love again.

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3 Responses to “My heart will keep beating”

  1. T Scott November 20, 2011 at 9:27 PM #

    Nice story…i look forward to reading more …good luck

  2. Scott Mitchell November 21, 2011 at 11:35 AM #

    Awesome writing!
    I hope you get the love you deserve. You’re beautiful, smart, and interesting so the options are countless, but wait for the perfect one. And yes, we often feel the need for another person to complete us. It’s impossible, but since we filled a void with another we’ve opened our lives up to endless complications as nobody can complete us. Anyway…
    One quote I always loved is this “Happiness is a butterfly, always beyond your grasp, but if you sit quietly it just may land upon you”

    I’m not claiming to be a relationship expert, but I like reading your blog and wanted to blah blah a little. Talkative fingers tonight I guess 🙂

    • joahnadiyosa November 21, 2011 at 7:51 PM #

      Hei Scott! Thank you for the encouraging words. I need this today. Am still struggling with learning how to feel complete even without the company of a man and I know I am going there. Thanks for dropping by again. 🙂

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