I could be right, too

11 Jan

Sometimes, I loathe my bestfriend for completely nailing me in the head, knowing exactly what runs through my brain cells. But her ability to read me like an x-ray, I guess, is for my benefit.

At times, though, I wonder if she really has this innate psychic ability or if I am just really too transparent that I allow her (and other people) to see me bare and exposed.

But no matter how much I try to debate with this idea, I always end up realizing she was really gifted with reading my mind because she was always right.

She was right about S, my boyfriend for almost six years. It was beyond doubt when she told me that I was just trying to make myself believe that our relationship was “perfect” just because we never had any serious fight or just because our relationship lasted for more than five years. She was right because, really, I have blocked my mind from believing that S can love me as much as he does with his “first love” when signs were so vivid telling me he was just waiting for his “perfect timing” to exit. Of which, after five years and eight months, he finally bade goodbye.

She was right about M, whom I intended to call in this blog as “Mr. Charmer” and “Mr. Heartache”. She was damn right when she said that M will never be the man for me. That while M is the sweetest and most thoughtful man on earth who could make you fall in love in a split second, he is also the type of guy who can break your heart into tiny debris making it impossible to fix straightaway.

She was right about J whom I referred here as “Mr. Insensitive 1” when she gave me that sharp eye saying he is just one of those men who’ll come and go, who’ll just take and take and never minds to really give back.

She was right about P, about Y, and even about every man I eyed on every bar we’ve been before. Of course, I don’t jump right away with her intuitions even though my instincts tell me so. I have always wanted to see and find it out for myself. At the end, though (gasp!), she was always right.

And though I loathe her sometimes for being so right, I still find myself going back to her for my heart consultation—that is when I am being smitten in love. She has always been my eye when I get blinded with the red flags associated with those men I dated or trying to get involved with.

So last time, I told her about this guy whom I undoubtedly have fallen in love with. I told her that even though we seem to have “something”, I really can’t tell yet where our “thing” is going to. I related to her how lofty his dreams are and how he keeps a focus and priority on it. When I told her that I don’t know if it’s too early to tell yet whether we are going to something definable, she gave me that kind-of-stare again. The kind of sharp gaze that would wake me up into my fantasy.

With what she said, I found myself debating with the idea whether to follow her warnings this time or if I should just go on my own way and find it out for myself. But then I realize love is about taking risks. I said, if ever this love I have for him (and the unwavering patience to wait for him until he get decided) will translate into a love story and a concrete relationship, then I’d be happy, very, very happy. But if it goes the other way around, I know I’ll be ready to embrace whatever it will be. For sure I’ll be hurt again and experience that one-million-beat-per-second of my heart causing me to barely breathe nor sleep. But then, I won’t know what will happen unless I plunge into it, right?

And maybe, just maybe, this could be the start of something real.  After all, my instinct is rarely wrong, too.

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2 Responses to “I could be right, too”

  1. Yatin January 11, 2012 at 10:57 AM #

    Yes absolutely you could be right too. And in the end, it will to be you who will have to be right. You can’t be riding on your friend’s hunch for rest of your life. You should be independent in making your own decision. Yes you may seek advice or follow wisdom of a trustworthy but ultimately it should be your own decision. Based on a small piece of narration it appears that you’ve gone through a lot. That should have taught you a lot too. Learn from the mistakes you have made and try to improve upon that. Don’t put blind faith on anyone, don’t build massive expectation overnight. Take baby steps in your relationship and deal with moment at a time. Give some honest introspection too. It takes two to tango; are there any changes that you can make, to make things better for you? And finally, I have not met your friend so can’t be any judgmental about her. So you give a thought on that, is she really helping you? Or is she subconsciously putting thoughts in you that are leading you to the brink? Be confident of yourselves and you’d sure achieve what you strive for. My best wishes.

  2. joahnadiyosa January 11, 2012 at 4:52 PM #

    Hi, Yatin. Thanks for sharing your insight. 🙂
    About my friend, well she has really been very supportive of me. All she’s giving me are warnings when I seek for her advice which is of course very helpful. And yes, while I really don’t allow anyone to drive my own life, I still ask their opinions (just like what you are also sharing here) for me to ponder on.
    Thank you, again. Have a great day!

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